karmaschild: (YAY!)
I am going to do Christmas cards this year! For reals this time.

Leave me a comment with your full name and address if you would like to receive one. Comments will be screened.
karmaschild: (Note To Self)
Wil Wheaton wrote a blog post in October 2015 called Seven Things I Did to Reboot My Life. I remember being very impressed with it when I read it and thinking what a great idea it was. I, of course, did nothing about it.

For the last few days I've been thinking about it. More accurately, it's been kind of simmering in the back of my mind. I've gotten friendly with a lady at work and have found myself photographed and posted on the internet for all the world to see much more often. They are not pretty pictures. And last night, I had this amazing dream. I dreamed I was beautiful. I have never, in my entire life, felt beautiful. It felt amazing, even though it was brief and not real. I want that. I want it to be real.

So, I'm going to try this reboot thing. I like his idea because it's not a 'diet' or anything like that. It's just a handful of things he's doing to make himself feel better. So, I'm going to steal a few of his items and add a couple of my own.

Read more (Facebook doesn't count)
Write more
Eat better
Exercise more
Say something nice about myself once a day (and post it)
Be grateful for one thing every day (and post it)
Put more effort into the Muddy Paws social media work I agreed to

Seven items. He managed seven, maybe I can, too. No, I will. I will manage it and I will be better for it. My do-over begins tomorrow.
karmaschild: (NaNo: It mocks me.)
I've never done this before. Wish me luck!

0/24
[community profile] trope_bingo

ACCIDENTAL

STIMULATION
APHRODISIACS LOSS OF

INNOCENCE
AU: SUPERNATURAL MATCHMAKER
SEX POLLEN BODY SWAP AGAINST

ALL ODDS
AU: HIGH SCHOOL/

COLLEGE
CHOSEN FAMILY
AU: OTHER PRESUMED DEAD FREE SPACE HANDCUFFED/

BOUND TOGETHER
SECRET TWIN/

DOPPELGANGER
LOCKED IN FUTURE FIC AU: MUNDANE AU: ROMANCE

NOVEL
ROLE REVERSAL
FLUFF UNEXPECTED

FRIENDSHIP
HAPPY ENDING CURTAIN FIC AU: HISTORICAL
karmaschild: (YAY!)
So, my training class is forming a metal band from words and phrases we've picked up in training and off property deeds. The band's name will be "This Indenture" which is how a whole lot of property deeds start. The first album will be called "Witnesseth", which is my single favorite word in all of LVD underwriting. I accidentally started a trend where, any time someone sees the word witnesseth on a deed, they call it out, and a chorus of answering witnesseth's answer back. It's like the weirdest version of the Marco Polo game ever.

We also took our favorite names from past orders we've worked on to use as stage names (I swear, these are all real names from real deeds). I'm Ethel Vanderwerf. One of the guys is Candy Slutski. One of the trainers is Stanna Stannard and the other is Herbert H. Herbst.

We had meetings with our department manager today to discuss moving from training down to the main team and when he heard about the band, he laughed until he had tears rolling down his face. He's going to be the guy who introduces the band with this crazy Tibetian bell he has on his desk that he uses to get everyone's attention.

I already have the CD cover planned. ;D
karmaschild: (Default)
I feel like I've been on the go, non-stop, for a while now. I haven't, but it feels that way.

May 9th was my birthday and the following day was the graduation ceremony for the Metro Community college class of 2013. Technically, I'm not a graduate yet. I have two more classes to complete in the summer quarter to be totally finished, but since I was so close, they went ahead and let me walk anyway. I graduated with honors, which made me pretty proud.

I've also been attending therapy sessions once a week for the last couple months. My therapist's name is Naoko and is originally from Japan. She has a bit of an accent, so sometimes we confuse each other, but she's pretty nice. It feels weird to be pouring out all my problems to someone my own age, though. I feel like therapists should be older than me. :P

Today, I had an appointment with her and brought cookies in for the staff... only to find out they're all doing an office version of The Biggest Loser, so that may not have been the best plan. Oh well. I tried.

The psychiatrist I see in conjunction with my therapist is named Terri and she's been working on getting me properly medicated. I remember this being more difficult the last time around, but it's been 10+ years since I was last on medication for depression and it's also a different diagnoses from the last time, so I guess that explains why it all feels so different. They've both decided the diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder Type 2, which is the less manic of the two types. I've been struggling with that since, somewhere along the way, I got it in my head that Bipolar Disorder was "the bad one" and as long as I was anything but, I'd be okay. Now I'm kind of having to deal with one of my own worst fears which is, admittedly, not at all based in reality. I think, honestly, the mental image I have of Bipolar Disorder is what bad media shows it to be. Which is about as accurate as the Weather Channel, I know. It's just something I have to work out in my head.

I feel better, though. I really do. I don't want to jinx myself and look too closely at it, but I can tell a significant difference in how I feel since I started all this. I feel calmer, milder, and slightly more energetic. More hopeful. I honestly don't think I've ever felt this good before, in my adult life, so I'm definitely pleased with my progress. I'm just still worried that it's all just temporary and will eventually crash back down again. My pessimistic side at work.

In addition to therapy, I've also joined the local Kroc Center. It's a little expensive, but I think I can manage it and getting into shape is something I've wanted so bad for so long. Now that I'm feeling better in general, I think it's time to work on it. Strike while I have the motivation and all. So, this past Monday, I joined and did my first workout. The trainer on duty took my height, weight, measurements, and tested my endurance and flexibility. Then she showed me around the fitness area and how to work all the machines. We set up a beginners program for me on the strength training machines and I also add in about 30 minutes on the treadmill, as well as a pile of ab crunches. I went back again today and worked out again. I am really sore, but I feel good about it.

Downtown, when I go to my therapy appointment, I pass by a used book store that I've meant to check out for weeks, but it took me a while to get up the nerve to do it. So, last week, I finally did. It's amazing how many books, DVDs, and CDs he's got shoved in there. I could spend days looking through stuff. He's also got a store dog named Joy. She's an Australian Shepherd who is, apparently, afraid of everyone, but I am determined to win her over with treats. She wasn't there today when I stopped on, though.

Outside of school and therapy, I've also joined a couple of social groups for Omaha. One is called the Omaha Culture Club. Last night, I went to my first meeting with them. We got together downtown at an Indian Restaurant (Well, it used to be a restaurant. Now, it's more like a swanky bar with a handful of Indian appetizers available. The Tandoori wings and Naan bread were amazing.). I was there for two hours with a Frenchman named Jean-Paul. Get the man started talking about wine and he goes on and on. It's kind of entertaining. He tried to tell me the best place in Omaha to get escargot; I didn't have the heart to tell him there was no way in Hell I'd ever eat snails. He's an adventurous eater, though. Apparently he's eaten horse, monkey brains, and something else I can't remember because I was too busy being horrified by the idea of eating monkey brains.

He's also good friends with the owner of the Indian place and has a drink on the menu named after him: The Frenchman. It's a brandy drink with a lot of citrus flavors. Pretty tasty, actually, and majorly strong. It probably would have been good to find out that the bathroom was down a flight of steep stairs before I had that drink and three glasses of wine. He was impressed with my drinking, though. Ha, take that, France.

Apparently, the building where the Indian Oven is currently located used to be a speakeasy. He gave me an entertaining history of its use during Prohibition. He's only been in Omaha three years, so I imagine he is the sort of person who can and will strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere. I wish I had that ability.

Let's see... what else?

I think there was more, but my brain's full. I want to do some writing and some roleplaying tonight. It's been a long time since I sat down and RP'd very much. I've sort of fallen out of the groove or something. I don't know. I just feel weak with my voices and kind of like it's a chore to get the words out. I don't know how to fix that or if I'm just ready to move on from older fandoms or what.

Hopefully, I can figure it out.
karmaschild: (Default)
This is going to take forever to write, I can feel it now. And, fair warning, I took about 200 pictures over the 5 days. I probably won't post them all, but I'll post a lot.

Click them for bigger pictures.

So, I should throw in a cut here. )
karmaschild: (Default)
I planned to post a weekly summary of my progress on my 101 in 1001, but as usual, I hit a wall with it pretty early on and I didn't do... anything for a few days. I'm trying to get back on track. Yesterday, I did everything I planned to do and today I've made good progress. Here's hoping.

Anyway, what I remember of 1/1/13 through today some I wrote down, some I did not )
karmaschild: (Default)
It's been two weeks since I decided to start trying to improve how I felt. I still don't know if Adrenal Fatigue is a real thing or not, but I've been trying to take some of the remedies to heart just in case. I don't think I can really say if it's working yet or not since, 1) it's only been two weeks, 2) holiday stress put me in one hell of a funk, and 3) PMS just hit so I feel like shit anyway.

What I have done:
* Take a multi-vitamin daily (With the exception of the last two days because we were away from home so much.)
* Take 2,000 - 3,000 mg Vitamin C a day (I misread this before and was only taking 1,000. Not sure if I want to up it to 2,000, but I might try it.)
* Drink 1/4-1/2 tsp. unrefined salt in water daily

What I have not done:
* Take 100-400 mgs L-Theanine a day (I couldn't find it at the store.)
* Eat low carb (Fucking holidays.)
* Go to bed by 10:30pm at the latest (Once in 2 weeks. And that was just getting in bed. Sleep was a whole other story.)

I'm working on it. It's a process. Usually, with stuff like this, I'll get frustrated if I can't do it all right away and I just quit, but I'm trying to let myself make gradual changes this time.

Also, my sister introduced me to the Day Zero Project and it's 101 things in 1001 days list. I'm working on putting together a list of 101 things to begin in 2013. It'll take over two years to complete, if I do, but that's alright. I've got 50 so far and most of it is stuff I should do or have been meaning to do anyway. This is just extra motivation.

In the same vein, Walking to Mordor is on my list.

I should go finish it...
karmaschild: (Default)
A few days ago, I noticed I've started to get these weird, vertical creases in my fingertips. My mom and my grandmother both had them and I wondered if it was just a thing with aging or if it's a symptom of something. So, I went to the Google machine and typed in "fingertip creases".

What I got back was a bunch of information on something called "adrenal fatigue". Now, I don't know if this is a Real Thing or not, but if it is, it explains a lot about how I've been feeling. It's stuff that's becoming progressively worse over the last few years.

* Morning fatigue/morning headache
* Not really feeling awake until around 10 a.m.
* Afternoon “low” (feelings of sleepiness or clouded thinking) from 2 to 4 p.m.
* A burst of energy at 6 p.m. when you finally feel better from your afternoon lull
* Sleepiness around 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. However, you resist going to sleep
* A “second wind” at 11 p.m. that lasts until about 1 a.m.
* Never feeling rested, no matter how much sleep you get
* Cravings for foods high in salt and fats
* Increased thirst/frequent urination (water goes right through you)
* Chronic low blood pressure
* Sensitivity to cold and feeling chilled
* Increased PMS or menopausal symptoms
* Mild depression (not sure about the mild part here)
* Mood swings
* Mental fog
* Memory problems
* A decreased ability to handle stress
* A decreased ability to recover from illness/injury
* Heat intolerance
* Light-headedness when getting up from a sitting or lying down position
* Frequent sighing
* Sugar cravings
* Increased food/seasonal allergies
* Increased sensitivity to sunlight
* Poor exercise recovery
* Difficulty losing weight/belly fat
* Difficulty in changing body composition/hard gainer
* Muscular weakness
* Purple or blue under-eye circles
* Vertical lines in the fingertips
* Ringing in the ears
* Heart palpitations or tachycardia

The Mayo clinic says it's not a real diagnosis, but considering the treatment for it is so simple, I think I'm going to give it a try anyway. Well, relatively simple anyway. Part of it includes trying to get to bed by 10pm, which will be the huge problem for me. I'm an up-all-nighter. I'm lucky if I'm in bed by 1am.

Still, I need to do something. I just feel worse and worse. God knows I can't handle stress. Even the slightest thing makes me buckle under. So, I'm going to try to stick to the following:

* Take a multi-vitamin daily
* Take 2,000 - 3,000 mg Vitamin C a day
* Take 100-400 mgs L-Theanine a day
* Drink 1/4-1/2 tsp. unrefined salt in water daily
* Eat low carb (something I need to do anyway)
* Go to bed by 10:30pm at the latest (oh god)

Here's hoping.
karmaschild: (Note To Self)
Homework's freaking me out again, so I'll do this instead.

I’ve started composing this in my head five or six times now and I guess it’s time to finally get it out so I can stop thinking about it. I’ve seen a lot of blog posts and articles by people describing what depression is to them. There have been pieces and parts I agreed with and ones which also hold true for me. None of them really hit the bullseye for me, though, and I realized that’s because depression is one of those things that don’t come in a one-size-fits-all. It wears very differently on everyone and my experience will never be the same as anyone else’s. That’s just the way it is and, I think , what makes it so damn difficult to treat.

Well, for those who can afford to have it treated, but I digress. This isn’t about me bitching about health care in this country. I’ve never been very political and trying to wade in deep enough to form an educated option just depresses me further.

The description of depression I’ve seen written down which matched closest to mine was a woman who likened it to walking around all day with an anvil floating above your head. That anvil could fall at any moment and crush you, so you have to use every bit of your strength, energy, and willpower just in holding that thing up or else... bye bye, baby.

That is close, but it misses a very vital part of depression for me. It loses the fear aspect. In that analogy, the depression’s just there. It’s an inanimate thing that seems to have no will of its own. It’s just there because of some bad luck or strange circumstance, most likely. My depression is much more active than that. I’m afraid all the time: every moment of every day. For me, depression is a hunter; it’s a stalker.

I live in constant forward motion. That may sound smart and healthy when put like that, but stay with me here. It’s really not. There’s a difference between the act of running to something (healthy) and running away from something (less so). It’s a perfectly good survival instinct gone completely haywire. I’m in constant mental motion because I know if I stop, it will catch me. Depression lives behind me and just off to the side. I can see it in my peripheral vision or if I turn my head too fast. I feel it there. I know it’s waiting and if I miss a step, then that’s all she wrote.

It’s not fear of the unknown, either. I know exactly what’s back there. It’s me, pretty much. It’s my fuck ups and my failures. It’s all the incredible, irreparable damage I’ve done to my life and the utter certainty that I won’t ever amount to anything because I’ve wasted too much time and put too many road blocks in my own way. About how I owe so much to so many that I will never, in my entire lifetime, possess enough money to pay it all off. It’s the cold reality of the situation I’ve built for myself and for which I have no one else to blame. Outwardly, I pretend it’s not there.

I go through the motions: going to school and taking random classes, making friends I won’t keep, baking things I don’t care about, and singing, and fishing, and doing the normal things that normal people do. Only, it’s just a front. I don’t feel most of it and I certainly don’t mean almost any of it. It’s just another manifestation of that directionless forward momentum. It’s similar to a shark and how sharks have to keep moving or they’ll die. That’s me, except the shark’s behind me.

I have to move on from that particular train of thought, now, before my head turns too far. I feel anxious just brushing against it like that.

To protect myself I anesthetize myself with television, movies, books, online roleplay, fanfiction... anything that I can use to occupy space in my head. Anything that will keep me from stopping long enough to glance to the side or, God help me, look behind. There are bad things waiting for me there and if I can just block it all out with Dancing With The Stars, Supernatural, A Song of Ice and Fire, Food Network, or anything else that will keep me focused and moving, then I have a chance. It’s a weak chance filled with a whole lot more of the same, empty nothing, but in some ways I guess it beats the alternative.

Recently, I saw my own worst fear happen to someone else. I watched her dissolve into a panic attack that lasted more than half a fucking day because she stopped moving. She stopped watching the pretty pictures and turned around to look behind. There was nothing I could do to help, either. I was too afraid. I shut down, completely: My last refuge from losing it, myself. All I could do was watch and desperately hum Lady GaGa, Disney Tunes, and Michael Jackson in my head. I plotted out terrible fanfic and tortured characters in my head. Whatever would get me through the night. Neither of us got any sleep, but I got to stay on my metaphorical feet, so I guess that’s something.

This is why the anvil theory doesn’t completely work for me. That way of thinking doesn’t have the anvil as a malevolent entity. The anvil doesn’t peek out at you from dark corners while it’s sharpening its claws. It’s not eagerly waiting to pounce the way I feel my depression is. In my gut I know that if I stop ducking and diving long enough, I’ll trip and fall and, I know myself... I won’t get back up. I’ll never be free of it because it’s got my scent now and it wants my blood. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it's exactly how I feel. It's not a question of if, but when it'll finally bring me down.

So, that’s what I wanted to say. A snapshot of the world from my view, such as it is. Now, I guess I'll go pretend to do some pretend homework for the pretend classes I pretend to give a damn about.
karmaschild: (Planned Parenthood)
"First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." - Rep. Todd Akin 8/19

I donated to his opponent: http://clairemccaskill.com/ and to http://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/ Planned Parenthood today, thanks to this jerkwad.

He's also on the House Science committee, just FYI. Dark Ages Part 2, here we come.
karmaschild: (hold on)
I went to bed and managed to nearly work myself into a panic attack. I've been right on the edge of one for months now. It's like a thing I can see out of the corner of both eyes and I'm too afraid to turn my head and look. I need things I don't have access to. I don't know what to do.
karmaschild: (Leverage: Cranky Eliot)
I'm up to about 4 spam bots a week friending me. At this point, I have almost an equal number of bots who have me friended as I do actual people. I am seriously eyeballing moving to Dreamwidth completely at this point. This is insane.
karmaschild: (Default)
For those of you keeping score at home, my legs are still swollen to different degrees, although they're both better than they were. I can actually bend my toes now, which I consider to be an improvement. Still haven't seen a doctor about it, since I don't have insurance and the local low-income clinic isn't taking new patients. I'm relying on my tried-and-true method of "hope it goes away on its own".

I actually did some baking today, which is nice because I haven't done any in ages. I have a chocolate cake cooling on the counter right now and when I get ready, I'm going to smash it up and make cake pops. Hopefully they turn out well. I've never done this before.

Also need to get my sourdough starter going again. I've been craving homemade bread.

Had some more Velata fondue last night. It's been a really big hit so far and I'm going slightly insane with ideas for what else I can do with the warmer. Ideas so far have included melting peanut butter for pretzel dipping and making a batch of eggless chocolate chip cookie dough for chocolate dipping.

Speaking of good food, my next non-sweet project is to attempt Cook's Country's Cider Braised Chicken. I saw it on their show today and it looked fabulous.

God, I love being on break from school. I can actually find time and energy to do things.

While I'm thinking about school: I managed to pull all A's this quarter. One class was 100%, one class was 97%, and the third didn't give percents, she gave points, but she assures me that I have an A, so I'll take it.
karmaschild: (Default)
I'm actually a little scared. What I initially thought was a twisted, swollen ankle from yesterday has become two very swollen feet and lower legs. They hurt a little, they're so swollen and if I bend my toes, the skin pulls scarily tight.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't have a job, money, health insurance. I did a lot of physical stuff today, so maybe it's nothing...

Kind of sitting on the edge of a panic attack.
karmaschild: (NaNo: It mocks me.)
Anyone who's ever been interested in movie screenwriting should look at this. Screenwriter Scott Myers, who does an online screenwriting workshop called Screenwriting Master Class (which I've been drooling over but unable to afford) is offering to take four people on a six month intensive screen writing workshop for free. Details will be posted Monday on his blog, but from what I can gather right now, all you need to do to be considered for a spot is to have great ideas for screenplays.

Six months would mean missing a lot of school, but if I was lucky enough to get into the final four there and came out with a great script, there would be Hollywood industry people right there to discuss it with. Seems like a fair trade, considering how badly I wished I could do the screenwriting program at school here. I guess I'll wait until Monday and see what happens. There might be other qualifications I don't meet anyway.

Still. It's nice to dream.
karmaschild: (True Blood)


One of the changes between the books and the television show that I really appreciated was the fact that they did not kill Lafayette off right away on the show. I thought it was such a waste for him to die so soon in the books and having him around longer on the show just makes me happy.

I love his relationship with Tara. He is caring without being overly gushy and sentimental. He's a good friend to Sookie and Jason. I also love his interactions with his mother. She's a riot.

I have liked pretty much everything that was done with him so far, except his current storyline. I do not care for Lafayette the 'Medium'. In a show chock full of supernatural, there's really no reason to take an otherwise well rounded character and slap on a super power for no reason. Lafayette was just fine as the wise-ass, fantastically gay, short order cook at Merlotte's.
karmaschild: (True Blood)


Behold the magnificent and wonderful Pam Ravenscroft (or Swynford De Beaufort, depending on which version you're currently loving on). I love her. I may love her even more than Eric, and that's saying a lot. More than anything, I love them together.

I genuinely teared up when Pam and Eric were saying goodbye in Season three, thinking Eric would be killed by Russell Edgington. They have real affection between them.

She has a dark, sharp sense of humor that sets her apart from the other vampires, but also from most of the other characters. A lot of the genuinely funny moments in the books and shows come from Pam. I appreciate her ability to torment everyone around her equally, even if Eric seems to be her favorite target. I suppose, having lived with someone that long, you've got to make your fun where you can or things get stale.

For all her good qualities, she's still a very good vampire. I don't mean a nice vampire. I mean she's good at it. She's ruthless and vicious when crossed. Deadly in a fight. Cold and calculated when she has a job to do.

Plus, she can shoot a rocket launcher. ❤♡❤
karmaschild: (True Blood)


Yes, please, may I have some more?

I did mention my judgement can't be trusted, right?

LOOK AT HIM.

Okay, I'm done now. Ahem. The thing, or rather, one of the things, I like about Eric is his joie de vivre. To him, being a vampire is awesome and he doesn't wander the Earth rending his clothes and wailing about lost things. He is in the moment, drinking it up. (Yes, that pun was intended.)

I like the bad boys. It's a long standing theme of mine, but he's not just a flat, cold bastard. He has some good sides, he's just extremely picky about who he shows them to. Not terribly impressed with humans as a whole, sure, but he's savvy enough to recognize extraordinary ones when he sees them.

I'm also not terribly put off by his ability to decide to take someone out if they're in need of it. Too many shows, books, and stories lose my interest simply by virtue of letting the bad guy go time and time again only to be shocked and dismayed when he returns to do... more bad things. Hello? That's what they do. Eliminate your problems or stop whining about them.

Does he have bad aspects? Certainly. All characters do. I just happen to prefer his faults to the faults of others.

Profile

karmaschild: (Default)
Mal

November 2016

S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
27 282930   

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 22nd, 2017 10:51 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios